Get this room cleaned today!
This is probably one of the most oft-repeated phrases in the world today. Having raised four children, I know it's been said in my house thousands of times over the past decades. It can wreak havoc with your home time management plan because even though the rest of the house stayed pretty decent... many would even say they couldn't tell four children live there... their rooms, on the other hand, we often struggled over.
Through the years, however, I've come to realize that there might actually be a better way. Don't get me wrong, what I wanted done eventually got done, but by the time I got around to saying something I was already pretty fed up. That doesn't really lead to any functional conversations between parents and teens.
If you've ever argued with a teen over how their room looks you'll realize several things:
1.) Things can get heated pretty darn quick... because...
2.) Teens seem to think it's their space and they should be able to keep it any 'ole way they want... and...
3.) In some ways they do have a point... but...
4.) This latest battle is just another duty of our job as a parent which is to steer them toward more acceptable ways of living. This particular part of our job started with toddler struggles-e.g., with discouraging them from eating dirt or picking their nose-things we consider socially inappropriate but which they see no problem. Clean rooms are simply one of the teen struggles... so...
5.) As long as you both realize this is nothing personal-it's just business as normal in a household with a teen-you can move past this stage-as you hopefully did the eating dirt and boogers one. You can do that by...
6.) Making your teen want to clean her room.
Yes, those are powerful words. Yes, it is doable. And yes, I'm going to show you how.
What will make the difference is to shift the source of motivation.
See, right now their motivation is to get you off their back. That's it. And the only one who has a problem is you. Their motivation is extrinsic whereas what's going to get real action and real change is intrinsic motivation.
So, how do you cultivate that intrinsic motivation?
It's really not too hard. We all work for what we want and they don't get what they want until that room is cleaned. Period! There's no fussing from you. No yelling or screaming. No power struggles. They can't do what they want until that room is cleaned... to your specifications, not their's.
No phone, no computer, no mall, no friends over... nothing, until they've done what's needed to be done.
It won't take long until they get it done. They may even like the new look too. You could even get her some new pillows or bedding.
Now I would like to point out that while that's the crux of creating that needed intrinsic motivation, it's phrased very negatively and you should make every effort to phrase it positively (we all respond better to things positively stated). For instance, instead of saying "You're not leaving this house until you leave for college or this room is cleaned, whichever comes first," you could say, "Sure, you can go to the mall with your friends, as soon as your room is cleaned I'll take you."
So now you know how to get your teen to clean her room and eradicate that home time management problem.
This is probably one of the most oft-repeated phrases in the world today. Having raised four children, I know it's been said in my house thousands of times over the past decades. It can wreak havoc with your home time management plan because even though the rest of the house stayed pretty decent... many would even say they couldn't tell four children live there... their rooms, on the other hand, we often struggled over.
Through the years, however, I've come to realize that there might actually be a better way. Don't get me wrong, what I wanted done eventually got done, but by the time I got around to saying something I was already pretty fed up. That doesn't really lead to any functional conversations between parents and teens.
If you've ever argued with a teen over how their room looks you'll realize several things:
1.) Things can get heated pretty darn quick... because...
2.) Teens seem to think it's their space and they should be able to keep it any 'ole way they want... and...
3.) In some ways they do have a point... but...
4.) This latest battle is just another duty of our job as a parent which is to steer them toward more acceptable ways of living. This particular part of our job started with toddler struggles-e.g., with discouraging them from eating dirt or picking their nose-things we consider socially inappropriate but which they see no problem. Clean rooms are simply one of the teen struggles... so...
5.) As long as you both realize this is nothing personal-it's just business as normal in a household with a teen-you can move past this stage-as you hopefully did the eating dirt and boogers one. You can do that by...
6.) Making your teen want to clean her room.
Yes, those are powerful words. Yes, it is doable. And yes, I'm going to show you how.
What will make the difference is to shift the source of motivation.
See, right now their motivation is to get you off their back. That's it. And the only one who has a problem is you. Their motivation is extrinsic whereas what's going to get real action and real change is intrinsic motivation.
So, how do you cultivate that intrinsic motivation?
It's really not too hard. We all work for what we want and they don't get what they want until that room is cleaned. Period! There's no fussing from you. No yelling or screaming. No power struggles. They can't do what they want until that room is cleaned... to your specifications, not their's.
No phone, no computer, no mall, no friends over... nothing, until they've done what's needed to be done.
It won't take long until they get it done. They may even like the new look too. You could even get her some new pillows or bedding.
Now I would like to point out that while that's the crux of creating that needed intrinsic motivation, it's phrased very negatively and you should make every effort to phrase it positively (we all respond better to things positively stated). For instance, instead of saying "You're not leaving this house until you leave for college or this room is cleaned, whichever comes first," you could say, "Sure, you can go to the mall with your friends, as soon as your room is cleaned I'll take you."
So now you know how to get your teen to clean her room and eradicate that home time management problem.
If you'd like to learn more including how to get your kids to help out more around the house... from their own laundry, to chores, to cooking... then check out my program on Time Management and Kids. Also, visit my website... Mary Segers for a brief synopsis of my available programs ranging from single mp3's covering a specific topic, to bundled programs focusing on different aspects such as home or relationships, to group coaching programs. A ton of help is available there.
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